Tag Archives: life

live and learn.

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Well, I suppose I should start off with the obligatory New Year’s review of the last twelve months, so here goes:

Started a blog.
Sketching every day, blogging about it.
Big dreams and baby steps.
Small victories.
Surprisingly, no crushing defeats.
Life getting in the way.
Old habits dying hard… or refusing to die.
Seasonal depression.
Brad’s new job.
Quit my “real” job.
Summer.  Who actually gets anything done over the summer?
Back to school.
Extracurricular activities.
New business venture.
Weddings and vacations.
Buying a house (that one may not have even gotten a mention here, sorry!)
Learning as I go.
Moving out.
Moving in.
Unpacking.
Thanksgiving.
Repainting and decorating.
More unpacking.
Black Friday through New Years.
Brad’s 65 hour work weeks.
Setting up new studio space.
Trying to keep business afloat.
Cooking.
Cleaning.
Visiting family.
ER visit for one of the boys.
Cooking more.
Cleaning more.
More family.
New Year’s Day.
Kids back to school.
Breathe………….

Life got moving so fast there for a while that months seemed to blur by in the span of days.  2012 was a year of change, growth.  It was hectic, crazy, and stressful beyond words.  But looking back, despite how hard it got at times, it was all positive and I feel incredibly fortunate for the life I have.

Looking back over the year I will be the first to admit that I had short-comings and at times, outright failures (if I’m being honest with myself).  I completely stopped sketching, and then almost completely stopped blogging, I didn’t manage to stay on top of a lot of things in my life.  I am a little disappointed, but I am not too hard on myself.  That first step is the hardest, and after going back and reading my very first post on here I remember the flood of implications that came rushing though my mind as I thought about what it really meant to take a step toward doing art full time. I still have to give myself credit for even making it through publishing that first post.  After that, deciding to quit my regular job to pursue my art was a huge personal risk, as well as some risk to my family’s financial situation as well.  That isn’t to say that just by jumping off I didn’t open some doors that wouldn’t have come about otherwise, and that is what I am most excited about (all of that fantastic news will come in my subsequent posts, don’t worry!)

My take away from last year:  Live and learn.
I can look back at this last year with a critical eye and see where I stumbled and more importantly, what I tripped over.  Most of it doesn’t come as a surprise; as I’ve written, they are personal demons I have been battling since I was old enough to be aware of them.  I can push ahead with courage and determination and foresight that I didn’t have last year.

Here’s wishing you all the best in 2013– Cheers!

faster than the speed of life

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Taking a break for a quick update!  Life has been blowing by full speed lately.  Summer ended, kids’ school started, we decided to buy a house and are in the middle of that process right now (we are in the “bank limbo” stage… all this waiting is killing me!), my painting parties are off with astonishing success, and I’m excited to be working with a local business to offer painting classes on a weekly basis in their space as well.  *whew!* that was exhausting just to type.  Oh, and 5 hours of dance rehearsal for me and kiddo for our big recital this weekend.  Am I missing anything else? (probably).  Oh yes, add in the smattering of concerts, birthday parties, other family events, and a  round of the stomach flu.

Did I tell you we’re planning a weeklong vacation next month?  I can’t wait.  …..what’s that?  our closing date on the house might get pushed into the middle of our vacation?  *sigh* At this rate, I may not even survive long enough to go on vacation.

I have been working on a few other projects as I can.  Here is a sample as well as a photo from the last party I did where we took an Autumn landscape and abstracted it.  And I am loving my new venture so much, I might add.  Nothing like feeling like you’ve not only found a path, but to also be the one who is building the trail.  A big thanks to my husband, my parents and his, all the lovely ladies having parties, and to everyone else who has ever believed in me.

A Full Plate

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Well, it’s been two weeks and a few days since I last added a post.  Those two weeks have felt like a month, so crammed with everything life could throw at me! (except any illnesses, thankfully!) My wonderfully hard-working husband got a promotion, but in the transition ended up putting in a nearly 70 hour work week, followed immediately by a business trip.  And, as luck would have it, both of my boys had fundraisers on the same day, the weekend in between, which I of course was obligated to be involved with.  Spring was also busy getting underway, so I had to jump on the few sunny days we had to get work done in the garden and reign in my dandelion patch yard.  Don’t worry, artwork definitely had its place in the mix, (I have been working on two commissioned pieces!) but something had to give, and it was my online presence… I’ve got some time to make up for so be on the look out for a few new posts with some exciting news to pop up in the coming days, I didn’t abandon you, I promise!

Have you ever felt this way?

A Full Plate; or, Not Enough Hours in a Day

Chicks to be Counted…

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In the spirit of Eastre and the new Sun of Spring, things seem to be turning a new leaf.  There are hints of change floating on the earthy, floral scented winds of the season. There is a hope of things to come, the anticipation of their coming to fruition.  Life is in motion, and it would seem that opportunities are blossoming at every turn, and I can’t wait to let you all in on it.  But, for now I am erring on the side of caution, and not counting my chicks before they hatch.  I am so excited for the year to come, and can’t wait to share it with you –you– whose support, encouragement, kind words, and mere interest in the ramblings and messiness I call this adventure of a life, have given me the courage and motivation to continue and push through the hard, cold soil of Winter and into the radiant sunshine of Spring.

...waiting...

Real Food is Beautiful

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When you can’t find me playing in colors, or chasing my children, odds are you will find me in the kitchen.

I have discovered an ardor for cooking, and have delved into the world of “real foodism,” that is to say, that I look beyond the label and have really researched the food industry (primarily in the US) and what I have discovered has driven me to create meals mindfully (and would strongly encourage you to do the same, dear friend. But this little blog won’t hold my soapbox, so I will spare you).  Anyway, you could truly say it is one of my passions.  Now if only I could capture the aroma….

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“You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Happy Mess

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Hi friends! I’m back from a pre-Spring Break vacation!

Okay, well I didn’t really go anywhere, but I took a long weekend away from most of my day-to-day responsibilities to indulge myself and recharge my batteries (oh, and it was my birthday yesterday, so I decided the entire weekend preceding was mine for the taking). 

Spring Break starts next week, you see.  Most people look forward to the reprieve, but if any of the past school holidays have been any indicator, it just means a whole week home with both of my boys who will be turning 4 and 6 at the end of Spring.  They are great kids and I love hanging out with them, but our house seems to get proportionately smaller with each day we spend cooped up inside it all together.  It has been a long Winter and with last week’s teasing with 60° weather followed by several days of rain/sleet/snow we are all plunged hopelessly into the vice-grip of Spring Fever.

Like you may have read in earlier posts, I have a lot going on pretty much all of the time. I’m not so great at prioritizing all the time, but I’m still pretty dang good at rationalizing and making excuses.  I will admit, with a heavy dose of chagrin, that I have not been as dedicated to this project for what it started out to be.  Although, in all fairness, I haven’t dropped the ball entirely, and have still been focusing way more time and energy on all aspects of this part of my life- the sketches, the finished pieces, the business end, the blog, the networking, etc. It just isn’t following the original goal I have set, but still certainly falls within some boundary etched in shades of grey, right? …Or am I rationalizing again?

Anyway, I digress. I had an amazing weekend, all 5 ½ days of it. I am ready to dive back into this craziness I call my life, pouring a little bit more of my soul onto some canvas, chasing the tornadoes that are my boys, catching the rest of the pieces of my life as they fling by, and just doing my best in the midst of my happy mess.

Letting Go

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Whispered Dreams“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” -Shel Silverstein

If there is one lesson universal to the human condition, I would strongly argue that it is learning to let go.

For me, it is letting go of expectations. I have these expectations of machine-like perfection, of always being able to be successful, of things coming easily, or at least of things always being attainable. Ideals are dangerous things to cling to. There is a fine line between where ideals are that driving force that makes me want to work harder, do better and where, in a cruel twist of fate, they become a dagger anticipating my fall.

I’m as big of a dreamer as anyone else, I know I am.  So why do I see so many others succeed with apparent ease, when I feel as though I am barely keeping a hold?  What do they have that I don’t? Because my desire burns so deep, and so hot that some days I’m afraid it’s going to engulf me in flame. Why isn’t that enough? This is so hard for me. I work hard, I try, I hope, I take risks and get inventive, but it kills me that that spark has yet to catch and turn into something shining and beautiful.

Maybe because I’m expecting too much. Expecting it to come easy. Expecting it to happen overnight. I have to let those expectations go, but I also know I can’t give up. This, so far as I can tell, is the only chance I have to live–to truly live– and to create a life that is profound and fulfilling. I refuse to accept complacency and watch myself wither away in some suburban wasteland chewing my cud while yoked to the middle-class machine.

As children we are told that we can do anything, be anything, go anywhere.  We dream big.  But are these just empty words? Lip service payed to the foolhardiness of youth? Or are they the mournful glimmer of dreams long dismissed, abandoned, forsaken to fit into the mold of “responsible adulthood”?

I am learning to accept my failures, to grow from my short-comings. I am learning (slowly) to permit myself imperfection, and painfully expose that to you, dear friend, through this imbroglio of a blog filled with blurry sketches fraught with smudges and eraser dust. There is a lot I am learning to let go of, but if part of “growing up” means dismissing dreams as ephemeral wisps of a long-past childhood cliché, then maybe I need to start looking for my Neverland.

All You Need is Love

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Valentine’s day gets a bad rap. It’s the holiday that people love to hate. Yes, it’s overly commercialized, but that’s not even newsworthy when most people are still paying off Christmas.  The road to finding love can undoubtedly be long and lonely, but that doesn’t mean that True Love™ is the only reason to celebrate.  Love your family, love your friends, love your neighbors…. and love yourself.  I feel that time is better spent doing that instead of searching for The One, or resenting those who simply have Someone. Plus, loving life is sexy.

These are the digital Valentine’s I made as my art project yesterday:

 

I didn’t get flowers. The only card I got was from another girl. I didn’t get all dressed up or make reservations at a fancy restaurant. I didn’t get a sitter for my kids. And I had one of the best Valentine’s Days ever.  I spent my day with the three most important boys in the world, laughing at a kid’s movie, eating in a small quiet Chinese restaurant, and then jumping around a bounce house until we were all sweaty and half sick. We took time out of our crazy days of school days, work days, long nights, short tempers, and general busyness to focus on what really matters- our quirky, funny little family and everything that makes us that way. Even if it takes a commercial holiday to make it happen, I’ll take it. The world needs to hurry a little less and love a little more.

Until next Valentine’s Day….

 

Learning to Sail my Ship

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14 January, 2012

One of my favorite quotes, by Louisa May Alcott- author of Little Women

Always a nice reminder that even during challenging times, there is something to be learned. It is so easy to become consumed with stressful situations that I forget to look at the big picture. Situations that are difficult are usually the ones that are opportunities for the most growth.  I am not going to shy away from seas that are hard to navigate, because I know that it will make me a better captain.

On a smaller scale, it reminds me not to be overly-critical of myself, or my artwork, because I am constantly learning and practicing and improving.

Reflection and Small Victories

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I am patting myself on the back for making it through Week One.

One of my biggest personal struggles is motivation, taking that first step and keeping momentum.  I am exceptionally good, I have realized, at rationalizing.  I can pretty easily convince myself that, not only whatever excuse I have come up with for not doing something, but the bargain I have made with myself to make up for it tomorrow, are totally legitimate and acceptable.  Any attempt to convince me otherwise will be struck down with more rationalizations, excuses, or entirely dismissed as offensive.  It is surprisingly self-destructive.

I have faced that challenge more than once this week.  The big leap of actually starting wasn’t too difficult, I was (and still am) pretty excited about this project.  This week in my everyday life has been tumultuous and exhausting. I am back at work and the boys are back in school. Any semblance of structure, organization, or routine had been blithely shoved aside by the holidays.  This week has been a blur, and I have been changing proverbial hats more than a supermodel changes clothes– Mom, wife, employee, therapist, friend, volunteer, sister, chef, maid, chauffeur… eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.  At the end of the day it is hard for me to feel motivated, or particularly inspired.  (Who am I kidding? Even first thing in the morning it is hard to feel motivated or inspired!)  It would be so easy to talk myself into giving one weensy, little, drawing a pass for a day.  Most of the time my first opportunity to sit down for any real amount of time isn’t until after 10 pm.  I had a long day, I tell myself. I have a long day again tomorrow, I tell myself.  I really should just sleep, I say.  But I have persisted, and made myself work on a sketch. And those few seconds of mental sparring are a fight to the death, winner takes all, and the stakes are my dreams.

Who would I be letting down? Where’s the harm in letting just one day out of a few hundred go?

It is all too easy to let myself down in the beginning, to write something off as doomed from the start.  But this is an opportunity I have created for myself. Not just a whim, not just an passing phase, but a small step toward something greater for myself and for my family.  This is bigger than a New Year’s Resolution, this is truly about opening myself up to parts of my life that have mostly just lived in the part of my brain labeled as “wouldn’t that be nice” or been disregarded entirely to the cobwebbed center of the part labeled “will probably never happen.”  Perhaps one of the pitfalls of being so incredibly right brained is that I imagine all of these lovely fantasies and dreams and the creative ways I could make them happen, but my poor, atrophied, left brain isn’t given the chance to actually logically plan out and act upon them.  Besides, it’s much simpler to dismiss them and trade up for the newest dreamland scenario.

I can’t afford to give myself a pass, not even for a day.  I know myself well enough to know that. One day will lead to another day somewhere in the future, and then that day might lead to a couple days in a row, until a month later I look back and realize that I have stopped drawing again, and another dream has slipped away.  That’s when I get disappointed in myself.  I hold high standards of myself, and a little voice in the back of my mind slowly shakes its head and frowns while saying I know you could’ve done that, you can do better than this. And it is worse, even, than when I got that parental lecture in my teenage years. This isn’t someone else’s projection of their expectations or their perception of my capabilities.  This is the truth.  This is my Self, saying Wow, you really let me down.  Each time I have had to fight against old habits of my nature, and have chosen to do what I told myself I would, I feel a small wave of victory wash over me, energizing me, and building my confidence.

My confidence in this project still waivers, it is so new that I find myself unsure of the direction I want it to take.  My confidence in sharing this journey with my close friends, family, and the world at large is still shaky in these fledgling days.  But that I can handle.  Far more bruised, is my confidence in my Self that I can start a project both by myself and for myself and see it through.  It feels as though the more I reflect on what this project is and what it entails, the scope of the true meaning and the real impact this potentially has (on so many levels) becomes so much greater and more of a challenge than I would have imagined.

At this point, I guess I will just have to keep taking those small victories of Self over habit. I have to trust that I am inspired for a reason, that this is simply an opportune way to face down the challenges and growth that need to happen. And all I can hope for is that being able to focus on my creative outlet will help ease some of the growing pains.